TRUE

this post is titled TRUE.
because lately.......
true things are hard to find.
TRUE FRIENDS.
TRUE FEELINGS.
TRUE PASSION.
AND EVEN.........
being TRUE to yourself.

everything is just getting really mumbled & jumbled up inside. i hate it.

and i feel like that last one......being true to yourself..........is the hardest thing to find.

like.....

i feel like being TRUE TO YOURSELF should be SO EASY.........

but for some reason......right now.....its not.

and.......i just wonder all the time........what's right and what's wrong?

whatever the case may be.......i feel like there's this war going on inside my head......and im watching it all happen from the outside.......and i know for sure that IM FEELING it all happen on the inside........and RIGHT NOW....right this VERY moment.......it's hard. and it hurts.

maybe its not hard for some of you........but its sure been hard for me lately.

AND.......

im not talking about "FINDING YOURSELF" either.......i actually HATE that expression........like what does that EVEN mean?!?!?!?

what im talking about.........is just BEING TRUE.

TRUE to yourself.

TRUE to your heart.

TRUE TO YOUR GUT!!!!!

no secret ingredients......just plain & simple, right?!?!?!?

BUT......

what is the TRUEST FORM OF TRUE?

does it mean always doing what you have been told to do..........so you feel like a really good girl...........and at the end of the day someone might say really great job today EVEN though inside you are just burning with passion for something bigger and better and GREATER..............and hearing REALLY GREAT JOB......and WELL DONE or YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.........is all of a sudden just a huge CURSE and CONFLICTION and misconception and just a really BIG misunderstanding???

because...........

all of a sudden....you LONG for something MORE.

something greater......bolder & stronger......and most of all, TRUER!

something that no one could EVER say WELL DONE for.......because what you long for is way too great and wonderful and powerful.....and to this day, there has never even been a word created that is big enough.......or strong enough....or EVEN powerful enough to encompass the greatness and the boldness of your beautiful passion.

AND..........

MAYBE no one has ever told you that it was OK to be passionate about this "TRUE-ness", or this "THING" (for lack of a better word) that you are longing for......

OR.........EVEN WORSE.....maybe someone specifically told you NOT to do this "THING".

AND MAYBE........you don't even know what this "THING"  is.

and all you know is that you are longing for it.....and that you HAVE passion and you feel it burning inside you and its there FOR SURE and its something that you have ALWAYS felt........

.......maybe the only reason you even have for never doing this really great and passionate thing is because no one  "APPROVED" it.....or told you that you were "ALLOWED" to do it.............or even allowed to think it for that matter!

so then all of a sudden you weren't so sure anymore.

and you also knew in advance that you would NOT get a WELL DONE or a REALLY GREAT JOB at the end of the day......from anyone.........and not because what you're thinking or feeling is wrong or hurtful or harmful or anything like that.........

but just because no one could EVER know what you are feeling or thinking or burning for........EXCEPT FOR YOU......SO.......it would be utterly impossible for anyone to commend you or not to commend you......approve or disapprove..........because were talking about feeling here.

gut feelings.

and passion.......

FEELINGS are TRUE........and you could never EVER put approval on passion.

AND.............

MORE IMPORTANTLY.........WHY IN THE WORLD DO WE EVEN NEED "APPROVAL".....or "COMMENDING" in the first place?!?!?

AND MAYBE......................................

TRUE (in its purest form) is just DOING IT ANYWAYS........doing what you feel even though you might think you're the only person on this earth that has ever felt that way......and maybe you really are the one only person that has ever felt that way.......and thats OK.....it doesnt matter......DO IT ANYWAYS........cause i believe that is being TRUE.

AND......i think......being true has  A LOT to do with being brave......brave enough to do the things that you feel and the things that you think and the things that you believe to be true.......even if you're alone and even when you're scared.....just always doing it anyways......and just listening to your body and your whole soul and listening to god always and his gentle promptings......and listening to your heart too.

just doing what YOU believe is TRUE.....in your heart, in your gut, and in your quiet and most solace hour of prayer................

DECIDE TO BE TRUE, its what i am trying to do!

xoxo kat

Comments

[rebekah]

P.S::: Post some Pictures please, asap!

[rebekah]

So fun for you to update finally! I know you are on the biggest roller-coaster of life right now, so being true to yourself will definitely keep you sane. Sometimes its so hard to be true during trials...but i guess thats why they call trials a test of faith. I love you so much, and I can't wait to see you whenever, and i can't wait to see little mitts too:)
Love, Rebekah

[A friend]

Kat,

I'm going to disagree with something another commenter said. Not to be argumentative, but because I think it highlights one of the biggest obstacles to being true. Camille said to think of ten people who are truly happy and then ask yourself whether they would approve of your decision. I have two thoughts on this.

One, you can never know if someone is truly happy. Every person you know, no matter how their life appears from the outside, has struggles that are deep and burdening and overwhelming. In their own way, these people have the same questions you have. Anyone who tells you otherwise is delusional or selling something. Point is, there is no one who has figured out all the keys to happiness, so there is no one whose happiness is is a good judge for your own.

Second, the first key to being true is not needing or seeking approval. You were right when you said it takes bravery. You have to know yourself and then stick by your choices no matter who judges you as taking the easy way out, giving up, going the wrong direction, rocking the boat, not conforming, conforming, whatever. Your choice will always look bad to at least one person on the outside looking in. You can't worry about it. You have got to trust your ability to receive inspiration and God's ability to love whether you make right or wrong decisions.

Remember, God sent you here knowing you wouldn't always get it right and knowing the road is fraught with hazards. He also knows your desires are good and will eventually lead you to Him and the happiness that is waiting for you. He is not afraid of your choices. He has perfect confidence in you and in the power of the atonement to bring you to where you need to be.

That said, whatever choice is before you, be sure it is made from a place of love. Sometimes love means doing the hardest thing we've ever done. Sometimes love means saying good-bye to a person or a dream. Sometimes it means putting our desires and dreams aside for someone else. Whatever it is, if you do what love requires it will be right and true. Instead of asking if someone else would approve, ask yourself this, "If I were sure I loved God, what would I do." If the decision involves another person, ask yourself, "If I loved this person the way God would have me love them, what would I do?" Then do it, even if it looks wrong to the whole world. Even if others wouldn't see it as love at all. Be true.

[Camille McClelland]

Very interesting post.

I think as human beings, and especially as women I have a tendency to become wishy washy and passionate about the concept of something I might idealize. Like everything would be great if I could just change this major decision in my life. If I could just go back and.. since I can't go back, then I can undo what's been done, and then everything will be wonderful. And sometimes we become so convinced that we will be so much better that we cannot see any other options... any other opportunity for happiness. And so we plunge... on the pretense that it is the only way I will ever be able to be happy. And then we realize that our decision comes with it's own set of new problems, and conflict, and disappointment, and what has been gained can hardly measure up what has been lost.

I don't know if this helps, or if it even applies with what your trying to work out. I'm not perfect. I make a lot of mistakes, but one thing I've found is that of all the good options that might be presented when faced with a dilemma, the one that aligns with Gods will, and appears the most difficult to endure is the path that also brings me the most happiness.

Another thing that helps.. Think of 10 people you know well who are truly happy down to the core of their souls. I know that if they would not approve of the decision I'm wanting to make then it won't bring me happiness.

Sorry, this is all just mumbled and garbled and all over the place. It just sounds like your preparing to make a pretty big decision. I love you. I want to see you happy. ... And I get stressed out and worry about people... you quite a bit. Love you.

[Chelsea]

kat, you are incredible. love you so much.

[angel ann]

kat i love u!!! let's work together to be more true, ok?!?! thank u for inspiring me! i needed it! u are amazing and u are beautiful. inside and out. and i MEAN that. u are the best friend i could ever have. thank u for being so strong. ur example and strength holds me together. every day. im serious. XOXOXOX.